ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
