Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I forget how to act sober
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
