I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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