and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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