I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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