I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Drunk is not a location!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
