mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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