Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
