I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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