Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
