after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
