STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
