That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
