I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
