I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
