He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
