the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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