so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
