Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
