She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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