Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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