im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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