why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
