Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
