I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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