I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
