This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
