I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
