i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
