I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
