They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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