Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
