Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
