saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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