K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
