but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
