Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
