I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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