What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
