just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
40s are totally the cure
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
