Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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