I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
