how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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