Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just want to make out with him forever
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
