Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
