This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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