What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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