I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
