then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
