Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
