he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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